Updates and questioning my sexuality

So I haven’t been active here at all for a few reasons. I just graduated high school, it went very well. GPA of 1.712 (with 1 being the best and 5 the worst) and also because I’m a lazy bastard who doesn’t follow through on projects.

I also have Gastritis right now so I’ve been cutting drugs out of my life this past month or so, no weed, no alcohol, no acid, no caffeine, no nothing.

My last memorable drug experience was MDMA in Portugal with 2 of my mates in a Villa while three girls over we’ve never met before. That’s a story for another blog entry though.

Life’s been good though, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my best friend and our common friendgroup and I’ve been doing more with my other friends which I have been neglecting a bit. Currently finishing my summer job, which I just did, because I had nothing else to do and a little hiking holiday with a lot of my good friends coming up.

So, now to the second part of my title:

Questioning my sexuality

I’ve never really questioned my sexuality a lot, for me I was always straight.

Until some time back, when my best friend (who is bi) asked if I was straight and I thought for a bit and told him I really didn’t know for sure and that I’d never thought about it a lot.

So let’s start at the beginning, where my first sexual encounter (if you can call it that) happened.

And here’s the surprising thing, it was absolutely gay. Me and my mate (one of the guys from Portugal) we were young and curious so we just sucked each other off and gave each other handjobs. Mind we were like 12 or something back then so we didn’t think much of it. We also stopped rather quickly, because it made him uncomfortable real quick, less so with me.

Fast forward to my first girlfriend, until then it never occured to me that I may not be straight, I always felt attracted to girls and never really to guys. We dated for a while, it was a pretty turbulent on-off thing and right now I have no contact with her anymore.

At that point I was pretty much convinced that I was straight, no question about it.

After we broke up, I naturally started to masturbate more and I experimented a bit. I now know I’m into pegging, which on it’s own is obviously not any indication towards sexuality, a lot of straight dudes are into it.

I also kind of liked the act of sucking on things, not sure how I can explain that, but just imagine me standing in the shower, sucking off the showerhead and getting off on that.

These two revelations really didn’t sway me in thinking I was bi, but I did actually question my gender identity. I questioned if I was comfortable in my body, but I came to the conclusion that yes, I was.

So now in the last few months I realized a few things, I find some men attractive, not really in a sexual way, I just think: „that dude’s handsome“, but not: „I’d totally do that guy“ and I feel drawn to my best friend.

Really recently I was over at his place (we spend copious amounts of time together) and he at some point (it was in reaction to something and more in a fun way) started moaning. And that sound just sent a jolt through me, like a fucking dopamine rush, it felt like I was on MDMA again for a short time. And right there I was like: „what just happened, I think I was just sexually attracted to a guy“ so since then I’ve been thinking a lot about this.

I like the idea of having sex with him, but I don’t know if i would actually like it.

Now for some people, they’d read this and say, why is this dude still questioning it, this is a clear case right? He’s obviously bisexual.
I really wouldn’t mind that at all, but I’m just not sure, because I don’t really feel sexually attracted to other guys, or at least I think so.

I looked at some gay porn recently, to see if I’d be attracted, but it didn’t really phase me at all (neither did normal porn though at that moment).

So all in all, I think I just need to talk to my best friend and set the record straight here, ask him for advice, because he’s already figured himself out, so maybe he can help me.

Maybe I’m only sexually attracted to men, if I have an established emotional relationship already? I mean it’s absolutely normal to be differently attracted to the genders, if you are bi, so that’s an option.

Well, it was good to write all of this down, thanks if you’ve read all of it I guess, Input is very welcome.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

pH<7

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide

Lucy

My experience

Now I have taken this substance, or 1P-LSD to be more precise, a few times.

Twice I have journeyed above 100ug, once with 150ug and once with 200ug.

Once I took 75ug and went out drinking and smoking with my buds, that was honestly one of the best „going out“ experiences I’ve had.

A few times on 50ug, once with weed, which made for an interesting experience, because I was suddenly tripping really hard out of nowhere.

The other times were microdoses all between 12.5 and 35ug.

Enough about myself and more about the substance.

The substance

LSD is a psychadelic drug, it is serotonergic or more specifically a partial agonist for the 5-HT(2A) receptors, this basically means that it imitates Serotonin and interacts with these receptors which then makes us trip.

Dosages

It is very dosage dependant in it’s effects, in contrast to something like alcohol where you just get more of the same the more you drink.

I’ll explain dose sizes based on how I group them and explain them based on my experiences and those of others:

Micro doses, which are between 12.5 and 25ug are for focus, creativity and mood enhancement.

Low doses, which are between 25 and 75ug are very subtle still, altough from 50-75 you do get some slight visuals.

Medium doses, which are about 75-150ug, here it gets interesting. The headspace starts to get more pronounced, your thinking gets more straightforward and literal. Visuals are now more pronounced and start getting intense.

High doses, which are between 150 and 250ug, this is where „patterns“ start. Patterns are just random patterns you see everywhere. On my last trip, I saw a hexagonlike mesh overlayed, on top of pretty much everything I looked at. A bit distracting, but otherwise enjoyable. This was also where my normal visuals became more lifelike, instead of just the things that were already there, my visuals created new things. Now I knew which things were fake and which were real, but nevertheless it was pretty amazing.

Heavy doses, which are between 250 and 400ug, personally I have no experience with these dosages yet, so I will only go by what I would expect taking these dosages or by what others have already experienced.
„Ego-Death“ starts really becoming a thing at these dosages, ego-death is when you lose your sense of self. „Who are you?“ becomes one of the hardest to answer questions you have ever been asked.
Visuals are much heavier now and it becomes harder to know how things really look, or what reality actually is.

Heroic doses, which are above 400ug. You thought you knew acid? Think again.
These dosages redefine the acid experience. You are in your own world now more than ever before. Moving becomes very hard as your mind seperates itself from your body. Ego-Death, becomes almost guaranteed. The visuals are mindblowing and breathtaking.

Now you sort of know what to expect, but it will still blow your mind.

Health Risks?

Physically, LSD is one of the safest drugs out there. The drug only becomes toxic at huge doses. Also potential for abuse is really low, because it isn’t addictive physically and you immediately build a tolerance.

Mentally it can be more tricky. A healthy person without any mental health problems should have absolutely no problems. A person who is prone to mental illnesses should probably abstain from LSD though.

Your body on LSD

LSD has two effects on your motor system.

It enhances your gross motor skills: running becomes easier and you can run faster and farther, skateboarding becomes really easy, you can lift heavier things, balance becomes natural etc.

Your fine motor skills diminish: opening a backpack is an adventure, preparing food is nigh impossible. Drawing and making music are the exception here, they can become easier and seem more natural.

Your mind on LSD

As mentioned above, your thinking becomes more straightforward and literal, what I mean by this is that all information you get comes to you unfiltered.

If you read a random sentence you would normally read and immediately associate some context with it, you now have trouble seeing the sentence in the correct context.

Problem solving is really fun on acid, you just find the weirdest solutions to problems.

A little example of this was my first trip, which was 150ug with a friend. My friend asked me if I could turn  up the bass of the music. We were playing the music over my TV and I had no idea if my TV had that funcionality. So I immediately replied, oh yea, you can just sit in my car and listen to music there, there you can turn up the bass.

In my head I solved the problem, but in his head he wanted to turn up the bass on my TV. I ignored the context of the problem and „solved“ it in a very straightforward way.

Humor on LSD

I think that most hilarity on LSD stems from you, looking at yourself from the third person. For instance when you do something weird and you are just thinking of what other people seeing you would think. The thought of you doing that weird thing is just so hilarious in that moment.

Any jokes where another person is the butt of the joke become very unappealing though.

Curiosity and Detail

You want to see new things on LSD, constantly looking at things, because everything is so goddamn interesting. You will also see every little detail of the things you are looking at.

A little example of that is taking a walk through the woods on LSD. You will see every little insect crawling around, every leaf will stick out to you, pretty much every aspect is interesting and it can be quite overwhelming.

Final Words

LSD is a wonderful substance and the fact that it, alongside other amazing substances, is illegal makes me sad.

If you are on the fence about trying it, I say go for it, but inform yourself a lot before taking a new substance. We don’t want anything bad to happen.

Stay safe.

 

 

 

 

 

The importance of morals.

First of, let us define what I mean by „wrongdoing“. Wrongdoing is everything, that goes against the fundamental principles of morals.

Morals are kind of like rules, but a bit more low-level.

You see most our laws are based on morality. Stealing, killing, hurting, deceiving, betraying, these are all things outlawed in one form or another.

In a perfect world, as I see it, every person, can do what he wants, without being hindered by anything. In that world, laws would not work, as they hinder a person trying to do what they want.

Morals are special though, because morals aren’t laws you see. They are fundamental guidelines that every human follows and bases their wants of. Morals change from person to person though and therin lies the crux.

A perfect society can only exist, if everyone has the same morals.

And this, for now, is only something we can dream of. With all this unrest in the world, changing each persons morals is beyond any of us. All we can do is follow them ourselves, preach them and teach them to our children.

Peace!

The human ego is a double edged sword.

We like to feel superior, that’s human nature and nothing to be ashamed of.

Competetivity fuels our daily lives, trying to be better than others at something.

Do better, run faster, work harder, live better, jump higher, lift heavier.

Sadly our ego is also the root of all evil. The thriving for superiority makes people do things that are, well, less than ideal for the people they are done to.

War is fought, out of greed, under the illusion that it is fought for peace, but you cannot fight a war for peace.

Your own peace maybe, but not the peace of all, world peace, the ultimate goal.

So please, if you read this, do your part to prevent suffering.

Peace, love, equality, make these your fundamental principles and help move the world in the right direction.

 

Time

What is time? Well lets analyze it shall we.

A few questions we tend to ask concerning time:

-What time is it?
-How long is it going to take?
-How much time has passed?-When will something happen?

So time is something we use in order to make something abstract concrete. At least for us humans, but it’s not really time itself making time concrete.
Humans have a knack for quantifying things, be it size, mass, force or in our case, time.
Seconds, hours, months, years are all terms to describe a specific amount of time passage.
So we pretty much quantify time in order to make it concrete.

But in reality, time is an illusion. No time has passed between now and the moment you started reading this blog-entry. I mean of course you could say that approximiately 1 minute has passed since you started reading, but that’s not really true right?

(I mean technically it is, because the quantification of time is an agreed upon system, but this only works if you look at time linearly which our system does.)

 

Okay, to make what I am saying a bit more understandable I am going to propose a thought experiment:

Think back to when you started reading this article, it wasn’t a long time ago right, but you thinking back is just a memory of that moment.
Now think back to something in your childhood, that was probably longer ago right?

Well not really, both of these moments happened in the past, but for you remembering them is the same for both. It’s irrelevant wheter something happened 3 or 4 years ago, it just happened and now you are here at the end of the thought experiment and no time has passed since the start of it.

 

Another analogy:

Living is like sitting in a train and watching the landscape move by. (Imagine the train never stops and can only go in one direction)
A linear timeline says that every part you cannot see any longer ceases to exist.
While really everything you cannot see any longer persists, yet it is outside your grasp.

The passengers are us humans, confined to our 3 dimensions we can never go back to where we came from and we can only see one picture at a time.

4 dimensional beings can make the train go forwards and backwards.

The higher you go up the dimensional ladder the more control you have over the train or at least that is my understanding.

So instead of thanking you for taking the time to read this blog, I am gonna thank you for not taking the time to read this blog, because suddenly it’s over and no time has passed at all.

 

Cheers and keep thinking!

 

PS: don’t worry about time passing, there is nothing you can do about it (yet)

 

 

We take existence for granted.

I think we can all agree that we exist and pretty much everyone agrees that existing is pretty sweet.

We take it for granted, to wake up in the morning, live our lives and go to bed in the evening.
Now imagine, that the big bang never happened, time never started and there was no space.
I find that thought a bit discomforting. Nothingness. Absolute lack of anything.
No molecules, no atoms, no quarks, no strings, no energy, no gravity, no light, no conciousness, nothing.
Why is existence the status quo? Why do things exist? Has everything existed forever? Even time? Space? Matter?

And if there was a time where there was truly nothing, how can there now be something?

Answers to these questions we may never find and absolute nothingness may be too abstract to wrap our minds around.

Keep thinking and have a nice day!