So I haven’t been active here at all for a few reasons. I just graduated high school, it went very well. GPA of 1.712 (with 1 being the best and 5 the worst) and also because I’m a lazy bastard who doesn’t follow through on projects.
I also have Gastritis right now so I’ve been cutting drugs out of my life this past month or so, no weed, no alcohol, no acid, no caffeine, no nothing.
My last memorable drug experience was MDMA in Portugal with 2 of my mates in a Villa while three girls over we’ve never met before. That’s a story for another blog entry though.
Life’s been good though, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my best friend and our common friendgroup and I’ve been doing more with my other friends which I have been neglecting a bit. Currently finishing my summer job, which I just did, because I had nothing else to do and a little hiking holiday with a lot of my good friends coming up.
So, now to the second part of my title:
Questioning my sexuality
I’ve never really questioned my sexuality a lot, for me I was always straight.
Until some time back, when my best friend (who is bi) asked if I was straight and I thought for a bit and told him I really didn’t know for sure and that I’d never thought about it a lot.
So let’s start at the beginning, where my first sexual encounter (if you can call it that) happened.
And here’s the surprising thing, it was absolutely gay. Me and my mate (one of the guys from Portugal) we were young and curious so we just sucked each other off and gave each other handjobs. Mind we were like 12 or something back then so we didn’t think much of it. We also stopped rather quickly, because it made him uncomfortable real quick, less so with me.
Fast forward to my first girlfriend, until then it never occured to me that I may not be straight, I always felt attracted to girls and never really to guys. We dated for a while, it was a pretty turbulent on-off thing and right now I have no contact with her anymore.
At that point I was pretty much convinced that I was straight, no question about it.
After we broke up, I naturally started to masturbate more and I experimented a bit. I now know I’m into pegging, which on it’s own is obviously not any indication towards sexuality, a lot of straight dudes are into it.
I also kind of liked the act of sucking on things, not sure how I can explain that, but just imagine me standing in the shower, sucking off the showerhead and getting off on that.
These two revelations really didn’t sway me in thinking I was bi, but I did actually question my gender identity. I questioned if I was comfortable in my body, but I came to the conclusion that yes, I was.
So now in the last few months I realized a few things, I find some men attractive, not really in a sexual way, I just think: „that dude’s handsome“, but not: „I’d totally do that guy“ and I feel drawn to my best friend.
Really recently I was over at his place (we spend copious amounts of time together) and he at some point (it was in reaction to something and more in a fun way) started moaning. And that sound just sent a jolt through me, like a fucking dopamine rush, it felt like I was on MDMA again for a short time. And right there I was like: „what just happened, I think I was just sexually attracted to a guy“ so since then I’ve been thinking a lot about this.
I like the idea of having sex with him, but I don’t know if i would actually like it.
Now for some people, they’d read this and say, why is this dude still questioning it, this is a clear case right? He’s obviously bisexual.
I really wouldn’t mind that at all, but I’m just not sure, because I don’t really feel sexually attracted to other guys, or at least I think so.
I looked at some gay porn recently, to see if I’d be attracted, but it didn’t really phase me at all (neither did normal porn though at that moment).
So all in all, I think I just need to talk to my best friend and set the record straight here, ask him for advice, because he’s already figured himself out, so maybe he can help me.
Maybe I’m only sexually attracted to men, if I have an established emotional relationship already? I mean it’s absolutely normal to be differently attracted to the genders, if you are bi, so that’s an option.
Well, it was good to write all of this down, thanks if you’ve read all of it I guess, Input is very welcome.